


Self Harm

by JakkyLovesScreamer



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9945416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JakkyLovesScreamer/pseuds/JakkyLovesScreamer
Summary: Some pretty messed up things have taken place within the Decepticon ranks. This is how a select few cope. (Obviously trigger warnings)





	

 

When someone purposefully harms themselves, it usually means that, among other issues, they think very little of themselves and have low self esteem. Even then, when someone confident self harms, it is usually because they have incredibly high standards that they feel they have to live up to. Knockout's self harm did not fit into either of these categories.  

 

He did not in the least think that he was worthless. In fact, quite the opposite. He very clearly treasured himself. Knockout loved himself dearly, every cruel and picky retort along with every perfect and pristine inch. Nor did this particular con have anyone pushing him towards a goal or counting on him to succeed. Despite this, nobody was surprised when rumors of Knockout's self injury began to plague the Nemesis.  

 

The one decepticon who would be surprised by Knockout's new habit was no longer around. Now that Breakdown was offline, nobody saw the creases in between his armor, the slight dullness of shine in those hard to reach spots, or the neat tangle of wire between his joints. Nobody noticed that even before investing in this pass time, his hours were spent sulking, mourning, and failing to recover. Breakdown knew better than anyone that Knockout would rather die before causing any distress to his paintjob. Ironically, the thing Knockout was trying to avoid by doing this was death. The eternal silence it provided was something he craved. With it came peace and the end of his sadness, as well as quieting the thoughts of him and how much he fragging missed him. This was all a distraction from the crushing reality that the one thing he had ever lived for was gone, gone, gone.  

 

Considering that they were in a war, it would be easy for anyone other than Knockout to hide their self harm, disguising it as merely another battle wound among the various nicks and scratches in their armor.  However, despite what he did to himself, Knockout's typical upkeep with his outer appearance did not falter. Instead, it only further fueled his newest method of distraction from grief. Once he carved a mark and the initial pain of it wore off, he would buff it out, repeatedly painting and waxing the same areas repeatedly to keep his mind off of him. Also helping the habit was his knowledge of cybertronian biology. By modifying his pain receptors, he could make a small scratch feel like a deep gash. Just like his efforts to keep himself always looking sharp, his vigorous attempts to hide his habit were never meant for other cons, rather for himself. Again, the only mech he would ever care about enough to hide such a thing from was no longer here.  

 

Just because everyone was talking about it didn't mean that everybody cared. In fact, there was only one mech who cared, other than Megatron, who only noted that he might not be able to do his job efficiently, which he then followed with the accusation of "but was he ever efficient before?" This mech was Starscream.  

 

This was because Starscream also self harmed, but for completely different reasons.  

 

Where Knockout caused himself pain to forget, Starscream hurt to remember. When Knockout spent hours on end with wet optics, cutting non-essential wires and scratching pointed claws and scalpels into his plating, Starscream slammed his wings into walls and mangled his thrusters irreparably, enjoying it almost out of habit. He did not calmly heal himself, patching up the damage and covering the evidence with a swift and practiced servo. He instead frantically tried (and, on several occasions, almost failed) to cover up his bleeding thighs, lest anyone think any less of him than they already did and Megatron disregard his worth even more. As Knockout struggled to prepare himself for a way of life that didn't include the thing he cared about most, Starscream coped with the fact that Megatron didn't even care about him enough to punish him anymore by punishing himself. It brought him back to the moment, made him reminisce, and he thought that was worth it. After all, he thought, if Megatron didn't think him worth of his time, then why should he be worthy of his health? 

 

However, regardless of their differences, they both found comfort in the other because they both missed something that they had become accustomed to having for so long, they had taken it for granted. Neither found where they belonged in the outside world, so both found where they belonged in their suffering, and with each other. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really just needed to get this out of my system. If anyone needs or wants to talk, feel free to message me.


End file.
